WARNING: May contain trace amounts of peanuts
by Lolly
Summary: Feeling depressed, like something is missing from your sad life of reading fanfic after fanfic? Can’t find the right story to giggle at on the computer while people around give you curious looks? Luckily, this LOTR fan's crazy adventure can be your cure!
1. The first chapter always sucks

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except this doctored photo of me and Legolas' wedding... Pathetic? You bet I am!

A/N: This is **NOT**, I repeat **NOT** a Mary-Sue! If it was, which it is **NOT,** I would say so. It's written for any feuding siblings out there. Yeah, there's arguing, fighting, and insults. No, they **never** get along.

And for the record, I **HAVE** read LOTR and _The Silmarillion_!

Chapter 1-The first chapter always sucks

"Honestly, Becky! Try to control yourself next time!" my mom ranted on. I sighed and continued to clean the lick marks off the tv. I may be 17, but I seriously act no more then 12. You know the girl in your school that obsesses over fictional characters and constantly has that half daydreaming, half crazed look? Yeah, that's me.

I'm your average girl, but with a morbid obsession with _The Lord of the Rings_, especially Legolas. I've read everything from the LOTR trilogy to _The Unfinished Tales_ to the smuttiest Mary-Sues imaginable. I've even self-diagnosed myself with FIG, Fanatically Insane Girlism. Yes, I even made up a disease for my 'way of living'.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, cleaning the tv. If you haven't guessed by now, I was watching _The Return of the King_ when I licked the screen. The part where Legolas is shown for the last time. Insert a sniff and a swoon. "Becky, really," my mom continued. "You need to learn to behave. How many times have you licked that screen? What is it, 21?"

Actually, it was 34, but she didn't need to know that. "But mom," I argued, "it's wasn't my fault! It's Peter Jackson's, Orlando Bloom's, and a handful of make-up artists'!" I've blamed hormones enough times to know that excuse won't work.

My mom looked annoyed from my answer. Crap. "And I suppose they possessed you to lick the television screen?"

I opened my mouth to answer but was interrupted...by SATAN! Okay, not Satan but my older sister by five years, Carmen. Close enough. "Mom!" came the high pitched whine. She entered, tugging at her fake platinum blonde hair with her left hand. "I need a little help. I got my engagement ring stuck in it," she explained.

Mom went over, and with just a few twists, freed Carmen's hand. Carmen thanked her before gazing down at the large emerald sitting in the gold band. Not your average engagement ring.

This would be a good time to explain my 'dear' sister. I'll admit it, Carmen is really pretty. She has looks that people pay thousands for. She makes me feel like a mutated pile of feces. The catch? She's about as smart as a monkey on crack. How she got through a four year college, we'll never know. Somehow I don't think I want to.

And, yes, she's engaged. Her fiancé is Rick. A mega rich, self-absorbed, feminine guy. He's gay. As in homosexual gay. He wears sequined clothing, adores anything with ruffles or glitter, and I found magazines of naked guys in his room (don't ask). What it all adds up to is that I wasted plenty of fanfiction reading time screwing up Carmen's birth control pills. She still hasn't found that out yet.

For the record, it's not that I have anything against gays. I just don't like Rick. He's always insulting my dark, curly hair (apparently, it needs some 'pizzaz') or my camo jeans. He's so narcissistic that sometimes I wonder if he'd marry himself given the chance. I think he would.

Anyhoo, Rick buys Carmen everything she wants. Everything. They've only been 'a couple' for several months. It's all just a sham in my opinion. She's only marrying him for his money (cough, gold-digger, cough) and he's only marrying her to prove to his parents he's not gay (cough, queer, cough).

So, the bride-to-be has been living at home for the past few weeks until the wedding to 'spend more time with her family'. In other words, fighting with me, ignoring our dad, and watching mom cry about how her little girl is all grown up. Whoop-dee-flipping-doo. Fin.

Carmen looked at me still cleaning the tv. "What's with her?"

"Becky attacked the tv again," mom replied and crossed her arms in a very mom way.

"I didn't attack it!" I said in my defense. "I just kinda...um, licked it."

Carmen burst out laughing and I scowled at her. She tried to catch breath but her laughter continued. "That is sooo stupid!...I can't believe you...you violated the tv!" I threw the rag I'd been cleaning with and hit Carmen in the face. She squealed and tossed the rag aside and was ready to tackle me. Mom held her back. Dang, I could've taken her on.

"Enough!" mom shouted causing us both to stop instantly. On the scale of most powerful beings ever, she's right up there beside Poseidon. Why Poseidon, you ask. Because he's my home dog... Woof... Yeah... "You are both mature, young women-"

"Tell that to the tv licker," Carmen mumbled under her breath just loud enough for me to hear.

"-and this will be one of the last time you girls get to see each other. Carmen will be getting married soon and..." She suddenly broke out into another weeping state. Carmen and I simultaneously rolled our eyes. "My little girl's getting married!" she sobbed and latched onto Carmen. It was more pathetic then funny.

"Oh, please," Carmen grumbled, "not again." She began to pry mom off. I giggled and she glared at me. She glanced at the clock. It was nearly 5 o'clock. "Uh, mom? Weren't you suppose to pick up someone at the airport?"

Mom stopped crying long enough to look at the clock. "Oh, dear," she said wiping at her tears, releasing her daughter, and grabbing her coat and handbag. "Girls, I'll be back in a few hours. You know how your Aunt Sophie likes to think she knows the shortcut to everywhere. Remember, be good and don't fight." She was nearly out the door when I ran in front of her.

"Wait, you can't!" I said in a panicky tone. "You promised to take me to the mall! I need to get this one book for a report. I haven't even started and it's due Monday!" I am the biggest procrastinator in the history of the universe. That could explain why my grades are less then stellar...Nah! And, to top it off, I still haven't gotten my license. I could have when I was 16, but noooo. I was 'too busy' reading horrendous Legomances that are burning in fanfiction hell as I speak.

Mom wriggled free of my death grip that I plan on using on any hott, British guy with a mohawk that crosses my path. I guess it needs some improving. She regained her always perfect posture. "Carmen will take you."

"What!" Carmen and I shrieked. Maybe my mom has that mad cow disease or something. She must be crazy to think Carmen would do something even remotely nice for me. This was the person who put hair removal cream in my shampoo. My hair still hasn't evened out completely.

"Carmen, this would be a perfect chance for you and Becky to spend some quality time together. I _insist_," she said, emphasizing the last word. Carmen wanted to protest but it was useless to argue with 'Her'. I've always admired how my mom can be so sweet and yet cruel. And how she can make pancakes with chocolate swirls.

"She could at least change her shirt." She pointed at the shirt I was wearing with the picture of Legolas on it. Carmen once tried to burn it, but didn't know the combination to the vault I kept it in.

Mom examined my shirt. "There's nothing wrong with her shirt." Carmen rolled her eyes. "Just go to mall. Have some fun," she said with a cheery smile. "Oh, and don't leave without her like you did last time," she added sternly. Bad memories with Carmen driving. When she first got her license, she ran over my cat Kitty Num-Nums. I swear, sometimes I hear her last word when I'm in the driveway at night: meo-umphf. Poor Kitty Num-Nums

"Fine then," Carmen said in defeat. Mom smiled and said good-bye before hurrying out to her car. Carmen turned to me with death in her eyes. "If you embarrass me, even the slightest bit, you're dead." I laughed nervously and we were soon off to the mall. This should be fun. Not!

We rode in silence. I was reading _The Silmarillion_ for the umpteenth time as Carmen drove. I was at the part where Niniel finds out she's pregnant with her brother's child. Dun, dun, dun... It's like the Jerry Springer for Middle-earth. Next episode: Elves gone wild, I've been secretly sleeping with your Ranger. Or my Ring-bearer is a Hobbit whose gardener lover is stalking me.

Suddenly, Carmen turned the radio on full blast to some pop song. I put down my book and glared at her. "Do you mind?"

"My car, my rules," Carmen said with a smirk. "Why are you reading in the car? Only geeks do that." She paused. "Oh forgot, you _are_ a geek."

"Like you've ever read a book in your life," I said through clenched teeth. "Oh forgot, you're too stupid to read!"

"At least I'm not obsessed with some stupid fictional character!"

"You're the one marrying a guy just for his money!"

That caught Carmen off guard. "For you're information, Rick and I love each other very much. It just so happens he has a lot of money..." She would have glared, but was too busy trying to focus on the road.

"I don't even think he likes girls," I said harshly. "The guy tweezes his eyebrows _and_ his dog is a miniature poodle! He even dyes its hair pink!"

"Rick doesn't dye his hair pink! He wears pink shirts! Big difference," Carmen retorted.

I sighed angrily. "I meant he dyes his _dog's_ hair pink."

"Becky, you don't even know," she said with a sneer. "At least I've _had_ a boyfriend!"

I fumed. "At least I'm not a total whore who sleeps with anything with a full bank account!" I knew I had hit a nerve because, before I could react, Carmen had snatched my book and dangled it out from the open window with one hand still on the wheel. "Give that back!" I shrieked and lunged for the book, forgetting Carmen was still driving.

"Hey! Stop it Becky! I can't see!" Carmen yelled when I blocked her view and she spun the car out of control. I continued to grab for my book, but was too late. Carmen's grip slipped in her attempt to steer the vehicle.

"Noooo!" my voice rang out and I reached out the window. "Anything but Feanor! Come back to meeeee!" Oh God, it's Kitty Num-Nums all over again!

This gave Carmen the opportunity to actually see. She looked up and screamed causing me to look out the front window. Of course I screamed because there was an 18 wheeler plowing, full speed, towards us. I stopped my scream as my life flashed before my eyes...That was boring. Then I realized the truck was still coming towards us and resumed screaming.

And surprise, surprise, my world went black.

(End of Chapter 1)

A/N: Ta da! This chapter just gets the characters and back story out of the way. I accept any constructive criticism or compliments! Flames will break my wee little heart... So please be kind! By-ers!


	2. Insert fake laughter here

Disclaimer: I don't even own a brain! You REALLY think I own LOTR? (laughs hysterically)

**THANK YOU** to all who reviewed! You're all invited to me and Leggy's wedding! Cardboard cut-out dates are allowed and gifts are gladly welcomed!

Chapter 2-Insert fake laughter here

I groaned and cracked my eyes open. Ow. It even hurt to think. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, and then I remembered I had. This must be how Kitty Num-Nums felt when Carmen ran her over. I slowly sat up, expecting a hospital room or clouds with a golden gate and a neon light sign that said 'Welcome to Heaven. Vacancy. Now with cable and heated pool'.

On second thought, I'd more likely be in hell.

Instead of seeing fiery pits and a midget in red tights poking me with a pointy stick, I was surround by trees and a leaf covered ground. No road, car, or truck to be seen anywhere. Even worse, I was covered in spots of dirt and my hair was filled with twigs and who knows what else in a tangled mess.

I guess I should be crying and thanking the Big Man upstairs that I'm alive. But I was too angry to be happy. "Stupid Carmen! This is all her fault!" I shouted and struggled to get to my feet. I hate to repeat myself, but ow.

At the mention of her name, Carmen woke up. She was just as filthy and less then ten feet away. She sat up and rubbed at her head. "Is this heaven?" she said and looked around. "This can't be heaven. Where's my strawberry daiquiri with the little umbrella in it?" Her eyes widened in shock when she realized I was there too. "Oh crap! Becky's here! I'm in hell!"

I rolled my eyes. One day, they're going to fall out of my head. "We're not dead, idiot," I said drily. But we aren't home either. I wonder...

"How do you know?" she asked with a sneer. I knelt down, grabbed a pinecone, and tossed it at her. I missed by a mile. She snickered and felt around for something to throw at me. She stopped, I think because she realized that might mean messing up her perfectly manicured nails.

She tried getting to her feet, but as she did her left stiletto heel broke off her shoe and she fell back down. I started to giggle my butt off. Oh, how the less than mighty have fallen. She got back on her feet and cradled the broken piece of shoe in her hand. "Pathetic," I muttered under my breath. She must of not heard me because I didn't end up with a rock in the head.

Out of the corner of her eye she spied her expensive handbag (courtesy of Rick). I watched as she limped over and picked it up. The sparkly design was smudged with mud and the neon orange had turned to a brownish color, but overall it was in pretty good shape and by the smile on her face, still had everything in it. Carmen tossed the piece of heel in the bag and slung the bag over her shoulder.

"How did we land in these damn woods?" she mused out loud as she scanned her surroundings. Nothing but trees and dirt. Big whoop. "We better get back home soon," she added with hint of panic. "What's going to happen without me? What about my wedding and all of Rick's money!" I raised an eyebrow that said 'aren't you forgetting something'. "Oh, yeah. Rob, too...I mean, uh, Rick."

I stared around in confusion. There was something oddly familiar about this situation. "Woods..." I said to myself. Could it be...? My confused expression turned excited. It has to be! I jumped to my feet. "Carmen, we're in the woods! THE WOODS!" I shouted and began hopping up and down ecstatically.

Carmen in return looked at me the way my estranged redneck uncle looks at someone who isn't a full-blown Christian with an alcoholic problem, four kids, and a cramped trailer. "Uh, duh?"

"We're not just in _any _woods, we're in MIRKWOOD! We're in Middle-earth!" I began doing a victory dance and chanting, "I'm gonna marry Legolas! I love Leggy! Leggy, Leggy, Leggy! Go me, go me! It's my birthday, shake my booty now!" And thus the booty was shaken.

"You mean the goblin boy on your shirt?"

I froze in mid-shake and glared at Carmen. "He's is NOT a goblin boy. He is an Elf and the hottest creature ever," I growled.

Carmen smirked. "Goblin boy, goblin boy," she said in a sing-song voice and making weird faces. "Leg-less is a goblin boy, goblin boy!"

"Carmen, I swear if you don't stop-"

"Look at me, I'm Leg-less," she said in a mocking voice. "I'm so pretty and girly! I've got stupid pointy ears and a _big_ crush on a guy because I'm GAY!"

I clenched my fists so hard my knuckles turned white. I was about to tackle Carmen to the ground when, out of nowhere, an arrow soared through the air and hit a tree beside her. It missed her by an inch or less. We both turned around and I audibly gulped. There, standing less than five feet from us, were several highly pissed off looking Elves.

With arrows. Really lethal arrows that could turn me into a fangirl kabob.

I took a deep breath and exhaled with a scream, "RUN!" And we ran. Ran like...uh, something that runs a lot. Okay, outrunning a handful of Elves isn't that smart, right? Well, it was either that or get skewered. I'd rather take my chances.

We didn't stop for a couple minutes. I could hear Carmen shouting out curses about sore feet and I glanced over my shoulder. Nothing. I mean, there was trees and nature-y stuff but you get my point. "Stop, Carmen! Stop!" I shouted to her and we both halted and turned around.

"They're gone!" Carmen announced, panting from our sudden running spree. Thank you Captain Obvious (is this one worn out phrase or what?). She grinned and seemed to forget that just a second ago she'd ruined her shoes. "We did it! We outran them!"

It would have been a hugging, sisterly love hallmark moment if I didn't hate her. And I was oblivious to the fact Elf are so super powerful and what not. "Hate to burst your bubble," I said, also panting a bit, "but we're mortal. We can't outrun Elves. It's impossible!"

"Huh?" was the only response I could get out of her. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall. A retarded wall.

"Like the chances you actually love Rick." It's hard to relate something in 'wall' terms.

"Okay, Becky, whatever," Carmen responded, obviously not paying any attention to me. I bent down to retie my shoelace. "Can we just think of a way to get out...of...here..." Maybe it was the fear in her voice. Maybe it was female intuition. Or it could have been that I was done tying my shoelace, but I looked up at Carmen's expression. I couldn't really place my finger on it. Surprise? Fear? Dare I say, lust?

I followed her gaze to behind me where, hanging from a thin, silvery thread, was a spider. Not just any spider. A colossal, furry, black spider with eight curling legs and huge, blank eyes. By the way, did I mention the fangs?

Maybe now wouldn't be a good time to add that I have arachnophobia. Crap.

Part of me expected Carmen to do the heroic thing and save me from this genetic experiment gone wrong. And I stress the word 'part'. I stole a glance behind me to see Carmen had _not_ chosen the path of righteousness and I could faintly see her form running away. Double crap.

The spider's fangs were now dripping with goo. So...I screamed bloody freakin' murder and scampered away in fright.

I ended up running in the same direction I came from. Human pin cushion or spider chow? Both had their pros and cons. Oh heck, what am I saying? Of course I'd rather die from Elves! Actually, I rather not die-

I had bumped into something causing me to snap out of my death debate. I slowly looked up to see LEGOLAS! I mean, it has to be! It's looks just like 'movie Legolas'! Holy frick! He didn't seem too pleased to see me, but I was too in shock to care. I knew that my mouth gaping open like this made me look like I was missing a chromosome and a string of drool was probably trailing out by now, but none of that mattered!

I stood there watching him watch me watch him watch me. It was like magic and angels sang from the heavens above. Actually, it was Carmen screaming, "Rape! Ravish! Child molestation! Someone friggin' help!" From the corner of my eye I could see her being forcefully carried off by another Elf. Lucky.

I was still staring at my beloved lust object, so happy I was five seconds from bursting out into tears. I didn't pay much attention to the fact another Elf was talking to him in what I guess was Elvish. Nor did I seem to notice that every time the other Elf indicated Legolas, he used a completely DIFFERENT name. Stupid, effing hormones.

The only thing I managed to do was mumble out something that sounded like "Hiy lubb oou," which could have been either "I love you" or "High on glue." Both could have worked in a situation like this. Legolas just looked at me funny. You know, that 'Leprechauns, madame? You say you found leprechauns in your pantry? Yes, well that _is_ awkward...' look and then you get taken away by some friendly men who give you a pretty, white jacket to wear. Weeeeee!

"Legolaaasssss," I said in my trance-like state. The Elf beside him began laughing merrily and said something to Legolas, who currently looked insulted yet extremely attractive. Hard look to pull off. The other Elf, who I'll start calling Frank for the hell of it, said something to my husband-to-be-against-his-will and all I heard/understood of it was 'Legolas.'

Frank turned to me, tears of mirth gleaming in his eyes. "You think this is Legolas?" he asked in English or Westron or whatever, pointing at Legolas.

I nodded dumbly and he started another fit of laughter. Ha ha ha, hilarious. What are we laughing about now? Legolas wasn't too happy with that. But, as my luck would have it, before I could say or do anything else, _another_ Elf pulled a black bag over my head and I felt myself being lifted off the ground.

Oh well. You can't rape the willing.

(End of chapter 2)

Massive wootness...to the EXTREME! I hope you all liked it and will be generous and review! And have a Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah!


	3. Get your finger outta your nose

Disclaimer: Don't own anything...as always...

A/N: I had this written months ago but I kept forgetting to post! Whoops...I'll make you a deal: you read this and give me tons of sugar-coated reviews and I give you another chapter! Huzzah! And if not, I'll expose those pictures of you making out with a card board cut out. That's right, I know your secret! Bwuhahaha!

Chapter 3-Get your finger outta your nose and start reading!

The next thing I knew, I was tossed into a dirty cell in a dimly lit dungeon. I'd also learned a few things: Westron is in fact English, Elves are very territorial, and, apparently, Hitler has taken over Middle-earth. Everyone's flippin' blonde!

Furthermore, I have not seen Legolas again and it's pissing me off! He's so hott, and yet...elusive. Elusive like something really elusively elusive. Like the elusive giant squid! Or not...

Carmen appeared surrounded by more blonde Elves. When one of the Elves tried to take away her bag, she began smacking him in the head with it. "Don't you (smack) ever (smack) try (smack) to take (smack) my (smack) purse ever (smack) again! (smack, smack, smack!)" She then escorted herself into the cell as the Elf rubbed his sore head and stomped away. The cell door shut and locked once Carmen was in. The Elf with the keys turned to leave.

"Wait!" I shouted and ran up to the bars of the cell. "You can't do this!"

"I can and I have," the Elf replied coolly.

"But _I _didn't do anything wrong! Let me out of here! It's all Carmen's fault!"

Carmen stepped up to my face. "Excuse me, I wasn't the one who caused the crash!"

"You were the one driving!"

"You little geek!"

"Whore!"

"Nerd!"

"Slut!"

"Dork!"

"Bit-"

"Stop!" the Elf shouted, frustrated with our senseless arguing. Glord, Elves here sure are touchy. "The king will decide about this mess."

"You can't leave me here with her! Please let me out!" The Elf ignored my pathetic begging and left, shutting the door and leaving hardly any light. The whole dungeon reeked of rotten food, making me gag. I hope if I do puke, it's on Carmen.

I hopelessly looked around the dungeon. "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto."

"Hey! My name's not Toto. And we never lived in Kansas!" Carmen said matter-of-factly.

"It's a figure of speech," I said with a sigh. Silence. "Do you even know what figure of speech means?" More silence. "Has that blonde hair dye soaked into your brain?" Yep, it has.

"Was that an insult?" Carmen said, ready to start a fight.

"Just forget it."

I turned to see my sister on the opposite side of the cell with her cell phone. "That's not going to work here. We're in Middle-earth now."

"What do you know?" Carmen sneered and tried to turn on the cell phone. It didn't work. "Crap, I paid three hundred dollars for this!" Technically, Rick had. Carmen had never gotten a job.

"Told you," I said with a smirk. "None of your gadgets will work here. You'll have to rely on _me_ to save us, since I know practically everything about this place. Just wait, you'll be _begging_ for my help."

"Whatever. You'll be the one needing _my_ help."

"You think that."

"Fine then. I will."

The next few minutes were rather agonizing. Nothing to do but watch Carmen dig through her purse. Oh, sarcastic joy. She dumped it all out. Luckily, she found a flashlight and turned it on. Whoa, drastic difference. Why does she have a flashlight? No clue.

She pointed the light at the pile of stuff. Make-up, money, hairbrush. But something caught my eye. I picked up a jar and read the label. "Peanut butter?"

"What?" came the harsh reply.

"You know, peanut butter? Jelly's soul mate? The thing that strikes fear in people allergic to peanuts? Gooey beige food? Nut cream?" I paused. "Wait, forget that last one."

Carmen rolled her eyes and continued to sift through her belongings. I plopped down on the dirt floor and cradled the peanut butter in my hands. I would eat it but to me, eating peanut butter without jelly is like sacrilege.

After a while Carmen was frustrated and sat down to pick at her nails. I snatched the flashlight. I don't know what possessed me at that moment (maybe a diet guru), but I pointed the light at the peanut butter label and read. "Total fat, calories, ingredients," I read out loud. Okay, so clearly this wasn't going to win a Pulitzer Prize or anything but reading food labels was rather calming.

"Ooh, warning!" I squealed in delight. Carmen, on the other hand, didn't seem as enraptured. "Warning: may contain trace amounts of peanuts...Yeah, well, thanks for the heads up..." That was anticlimactic.

Not-so-later, the dungeon door opened and several Elven guards entered. "The king will see you now," one of them said. Carmen hurried and crammed all of her junk into her purse including the mystical peanut filled peanut butter. When one of the Elves tried to take Carmen's purse, she glared coldly at him and he backed away. And so we left, hands tied behind our backs and, as my luck would have it, I had an itchy nose.

As we walked down the elaborate halls, Carmen limped with her broken shoe, I couldn't help but be in complete awe. What stories could these walls tell? Would they be of a young Elven prince in his earlier years or a tale of lust and vengeance? Would they speak of a simpler time where- Ooh, shiny candle thingy! Pretty...

Finally, we came into a large room surrounded by Elven guards and at the back in a carved wooden thrown sat a regal looking Elf, King Thranduil. Although I could see where Legolas got his good looks from, Thrandoodle didn't seem too happy to see us. We were forced to bow and they untied our hands. One of the Elves spoke quietly to him in Elvish.

"You are the two trespassers?" the king's voice boomed. It had that 'I am holier then thou and I know it' ring to it. "And you insulted my son? You insult my kindred, you insult me."

I knew Carmen wouldn't be talking any time soon. So if I wanted to be saved the 'pleasure' of rotting in a smelly dungeon, I would have to be the one doing the negotiating. "Your majesty," I began nervously, "we weren't trespassing. You see, we're from another world and we just happened to land in the middle of your beautiful forest."

Flattery didn't seem to be working. I had to say something and quick. "And it was my sister who insulted your son, not me!" I shouted.

"Becky's the one who was glad to be here!" Carmen shouted back.

"You made fun of the king's son!"

"I'm not the one who fantasizes about him!"

"You called him 'goblin boy'!"

"And you were the one shouting 'I'm gonna marry Leggy!'"

"But you were the one who insulted his manly... Elf... heterosexuality!"

"Enough!" The king was getting tired of our bickering by my guess. "Now, if we can get to the matter at hand-" He cut off his sentence when he looked at me. I glanced down at my shirt. Legolas stared back up at me. Uh-oh. "You, girl, what is that on your clothing?" he asked curiously.

It occurred to be at this point that fate was not on my side and I would be spending the rest of my life in the dungeons. But if I'm going down, I'm going to go down swinging. Or I'll make a complete fool of myself. "O, your royal majesty," I spoke in such a sugary voice that diabetics would go into insulin shock, "one with foresight bestowed this garment to me and told me it had the face of my future husband on it..." I put in a dramatic pause for affect. "Your son." I tried to give my puppy dog look. Okay, okay, so it looked more like a mutated, crossbred with a sea cucumber, hit by an 18 wheeler puppy. Still, it was a puppy nonetheless.

The room went silent in disbelief. I scanned the guards to find I had a 85 chance of death. "She's totally lying!" All eyes turned to Carmen. "She's just saying that as a pathetic try to marry your son and get into his pants." I could feel myself blush. "Which I doubt she'd even do given the chance."

Mortified? You bet. Plus, the guards' expressions weren't exactly hospitable. Meh. I lived good life. It wasn't long but it was okay.

"Wait!" I shouted. I had an idea. "Your highness, you like emeralds, don't you?" The king stroked his chin before nodding in agreement. A huge grin covered my face. I grabbed Carmen's left hand and held it up. "We'll give you this ring if you let us stay here."

The king's eyes lit up greedily. He spoke to several of his guards and they came after Carmen. "Back off, dudes! I know karate!" she shouted and glared at all the Elves.

"No you don't," I said with an eye roll. But before she could argue about it, the guards had pried the ring off her finger. They handed it to the king and Carmen glared at them.

"It is a rather nice ring..." Thranduil said while he inspected the piece of jewelry. There was a pause. "Very well. You will stay in my palace for thirty days. No more, no less." I had to control my squeal of joy. I nudged Carmen with my elbow and gave her my 'told you I'd save us' look. "But you will work as maids and live in the servants' quarters."

"What! Me? Physical labor? No way!" Carmen shrieked.

The king raised his eyebrows. "If you do not wish to work, I suppose the dungeon-"

"We'll do it!" I interrupted him. I turned to Carmen. She didn't seem to happy with the decision. "A few weeks of actual work isn't going to kill us."

"Yeah, but _I_ can," she grumbled.

I nervously looked back to Thranduil. "So...where do we start?" Things were starting to turn out in my favor. Housework isn't too bad. Plus, while I scrub the palace floors I can look for my Elven Prince Charming! Easy, right? Right...?

(End of Chapter 3)

If you were wondering, Thranduil does like emeralds because I read it in _The Hobbit._ And GASP! The next chapter has a plot twist! Not your regular garden variety plot twist either...


	4. A reference to the immortal Chuck Norris

Disclaimer: As always, I own nothing... except the stuff no one cares about... like this weird-looking pen that goes 'scribble scrabble'...

A/N: I realize no one reads these things. I just want to say, this chapter is WAY out there. I hadn't planned on changing the POV or too much of the original plot (I wrote this story a while back and I'm rewriting it) but I had to. Hence why I take months to work on one chapter. And I use the name Turumin because I took parts of Elvish to recreate Legolas and did the same with a mixture of Turin and (I think) Turambar (character from my fav story in _The Silmarillion_). Stole it from another fic. MY other fic, that is.

**THANK YOU TO ANYONE WHO ENJOYS THIS! I HEART U!**

Chapter 4-A reference to the immortal Chuck Norris

Becky's POV

"Ugh..." I stared down at my new work clothes. It reminded me of the peasant in the Renaissance days that people threw trash at. With my luck, I'll get pelted with a rotten tomato before the day ends.

"This is all we have at the moment, but I promise to get the seamstress to measure you for your own outfits." I looked at the sickeningly optimistic Elven maid who had just spoken, Nella. She was to show us around and help us get started with our 'tasks'. She was pretty, not drop dead gorgeous as I had expected all Elves to be, and nice. Too nice, actually. Her bubbly personality was rather... nauseating.

"But Nelllllaaaa," I whined, "this is really ugly. I look like I'm covered in sh-"

The door connecting to the bathroom burst open and a pissed off looking Carmen came in wearing her maid uniform. Apparently she didn't like the clothes either. "I hate this," she grumbled. "It's like I'm wearing Aunt Claudia's mole."

"The hairy one on her chin that looks like it could eat a small puppy?" I asked.

"Yeah." We both shuddered. I used to have nightmares about that massive blob of melanin. I used to think it was a rabid monkey that would attack me at any second. Still do. "This sucks," Carmen said under her breath.

Nella glided over to her and smiled. "You two should be lucky. King Thranduil isn't usually this hospitable to strangers. And you two have your own room! I have to share with at least three others."

Carmen pointed to her dress in disgust. "You call this hospitable?"

Before Nella could argue with a comment such as 'The weather is beautiful today' or 'At least you're not a paraplegic,' there was a knock on the door and it opened. We all turned in a cheesy slow motion action and there, standing at the door, was LEGOLAS! Holy frickin'...

Then came the awkward silence. You know, that moment where it doesn't exactly register in my brain that Legolas is just standing there in front of me, unarmed, looking incredibly hot and could very easily be jumped by, uh, I don't know...a crazed, hormone-possessed fangirl? Yeah...

Nella quickly blushed and stumbled over a curtsy. "My apologies, your highness." She smoothed her gown and turned to 'us mortal folk'. "This, my friends, is Prince-" But she couldn't finish because the heavenly Elf in question had slapped a hand over her mouth (lucky) and forced a smile.

"You must forgive, Nella," he said. His voice. It was like a freshly bloomed rose smothered in butter and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Sigh. I was about to pass out. "I'm no prince." Nella seemed confused and so did I. She pried his hand off her mouth and started speaking to him. In Elvish. Crap.

Magical, omniscient being POV

"Not a prince?" Nella shouted frantically. "Do you have any idea who you are!"

He gave her a look. "I would think that I do, but I don't want her," he pointed to a crazy-eyed Becky, "to find out. Did you hear what she said to my father?"

"But one thing, _Prince_. She's infatuated with _Legolas_, not his brother Turumin."

Turumin narrowed his eyes. "Yes, let's all praise my almighty brother," he said dryly. "This is exactly what I mean when I say that Legolas gets all of the attention. Legolas is the better archer, Legolas is the better horse rider, Legolas helped save the world. He's older than me by, what, two minutes, and he's treated like he's Thranduil's only heir. I'm sick of it!"

Nella chuckled. "Jealous, are you?"

Turumin sighed. "I don't want to be seen as Legolas's twin brother. I want these two mortals to mark the beginning of a new me. One without the constant comparison to my brother." He frowned at her smile full of pity. "Just don't tell them the truth. Let me be my own person, for once."

It was Nella's turn to sigh. "I suppose I'll help, but what if they find out-"

"They won't," Turumin interrupted. He smiled mischievously. "Remember? My dear brother is in Ithilien."

Becky's POV

Carmen tilted her head to one side. "What the hell are they saying?" The two Elves were in their own little world with their own little language.

"I don't know but I definitely heard the name Legolas this time." We watched them in silence for a while. "Hey," I whispered to Carmen, "maybe we should speak in pig Latin and freak them out."

Carmen arched her eyebrows. "You speak pig?" Maybe she's missing a couple chromosomes.

I decided not to go into detail. "Just forget it."

At that moment, the pair turned towards us. "Forgive us for being so rude," my Elfy piece of burning lust said. "My name is Turumin."

My mouth gaped open. "Turu-what!"

"Turumin," he repeated.

"You mean you're not Legolas!" He cringed at the name. "You look just like him! I think..."

"Turumin is the King's nephew, Legolas' cousin. Turumin and Legolas do have a striking resemblance to one another," Nella chimed in from the sidelines. I sighed. I must admit I was a bit disappointed...until I realized Turumin looked exactly how I wanted Legolas to be, the glorified Orlando Bloom version. Dude, sweet.

"Can I just say it's such an honor to meet you?" I said sweetly. "I'm Becky." He was staring at me! I wonder if he recognized me from the woods. No, he's staring in my general direction. I followed his line of sight to...

"Carmen," my sister said with a hand on her hip and an obviously fake smile.

"Carmen..." Turumin repeated. Glord, he even made her name sound magical when he said it. He smiled back. Genuinely smiled!

Thud. Did you hear that? That was my heart falling out of my chest and on its way to commit suicide. Beautiful. In a sadistic, artsy way.

Nella must have seen the devastated/murderous look in my eye because she stepped in front of Turumin. "Oh, my. Wouldn't you know it? It's time for the girls to begin their work. If you would Turumin..."

He snapped out of his daze. "Yes, of course." He tried to make a slow, lasting exit but Nella was nervously shoving him out the door. He turned back from outside the room. "Until next-" The door slammed shut.

Nella clapped her hands together. "Now for the chores!" I wonder, can Nella read minds? Did she know I was about to give Carmen a Chuck Norris round-house kick to the head? Dun, dun, duuuuuunnnn...

Carmen smiled evilly to herself. "Seems that I've caught the eye of _someone's_ new obsession," she said lightly. I could hear the secret venom behind her words.

"Yeah, I guess if I was a total slut guys would pay more attention to me, too."

Our eyes locked in a death glare. I could sense a fight beginning in 3... 2... A bucket filled with soapy water came between us, followed by Nella with her usual cheery self. "Now, why don't you two forget your troubles by starting on your first task: cleaning the south east guest wing."

We both gave her a 'you've got to be joking, right?' look before resuming our death glares. And for the record, I was the first to tackle.

Magical, omniscient being POV

"Satanic prep!" Becky cried out and struggled to push her sister down. Carmen was yanking out Becky's hair. She shouted out in pain and this gave Carmen the opportunity to grab a pillow from one of the beds and smack her with it.

"Obsessed loser!" Carmen yelled. Becky had managed to grab a pillow too and started fighting back. Feathers flew everywhere.

Nella just stood at a safe distance and tried to calm them down. "Girls! Please stop! You're making such a mess!" But it was no use. It wasn't long before a group of Elven guards burst through the door.

"Tampa! (Stop!)" the leader cried with his bow ready to shoot. All four of the guards were surprised to find the room covered in feathers and soap suds while two mortal girls were beating each other with pillows and an Elven maid was hiding in a corner.

"Did he just say tampon?" Carmen asked out loud as she dodged a pillow thrown at her by Becky. The pillow flew across the room and hit one of the guards, knocking him down. The leader shot a wrathful look at Becky.

She laughed nervously. "Whoops?"

Meanwhile...

Turumin strolled down the halls with a content look on his face. He was finally taking the steps needed to leave his brother's shadow. Things were looking up for him. That is, until he walked past a room where the door was cracked open and overheard a particularly interesting conversation.

"Did you hear? It seems that one of those mortal girls is infatuated with Legolas," said one Elf-maid.

Another one failed to suppress her giggle. "Of course, who isn't!" She sighed wistfully. "He's so perfect..."

"I know," said the first. "How disappointing that he's left!" Suddenly, there was a loud 'CRASH' followed by an 'OW', several inappropriate Elvish words, and an 'I'm sorry'.

"Well, at least we can look at Turumin," said the second Elf-maid optimistically.

"Turumin? Please." The other sounded disgusted and the actual Turumin fought the urge to storm in. "Although absolutely handsome, he has no other qualities whatsoever."

"Yes he does!" the other argued. Turumin secretly nodded from the sidelines. "He's a wonderful archer, horse rider..."

"Name one heroic deed he's ever done." There was silence. "Nothing. You see, Legolas is better because he's a hero. He was in the Fellowship, he's accomplished something. Plus, his fighting skills are nearly unsurpassed."

"But Turumin-"

"But nothing. Until Turumin actually does something spectacular, either heroic or incredibly stupid, everyone will only focus on Legolas. That's final."

Turumin continued down the hall, pondering how he could do something 'spectacular'. Suddenly, a handful of Elven guards rushed past him going in the opposite direction. He stood for a moment, dumbfounded. Maybe this could be his chance...

(End of Chapter 4)

A/N: I've mostly been working on POTC fanfiction but I always quit after one chapter. I will try to focus more on this because I personally love this story. I already thought of the ending. (singing) I know the ending and you don't! HA!


	5. Irony's too ironic for my taste

Disclaimer: I own everything you don't care about...

A/N: Is this updating fast enough for ya? But really I've been trying to rush through this because once schools starts back up, I will have no time whatsoever. Notice I've changed the summary. Ooooh, fanciness. Please do read, enjoy, and review!

Chapter 5-Irony's too ironic for my taste

Becky's POV

The room was destroyed. The bed sheets and pillows were in shreds. Soapy water soaked everything including me but by now everyone was pretty much dry. We all had a few feathers here and there. For me, 'here' meant in my hair and 'there' meant somewhere down my dress.

I watched as the Elven guards carried their fallen comrade from the battlefield. It was the one I hit with a pillow. I didn't hit him hard but considering that he was the same Elf Carmen had nearly given a concussion to with her bag, I did some damage. Too bad. He was cute.

Nella stood in front of us, trying her best to look angry. It wasn't very effective. "I hope you know that you'll be spending the rest of the day cleaning this room up. Sewing rips and tears, stuffing pillows, mopping up this mess. Not to mention apologizing to the Elf you injured."

I remained silent. I was embarrassed. No, pissed off. My one chance to be in Middle-earth and make a good impression and Carmen ruins it for me!

"What makes this situation worse," Nella continued, "is that you two obviously can't work together. And I'm responsible for you." She put her hands over her face and out came a muffled, "What am I going to do?"

I looked at Carmen. She looked at me. For a brief second, we shared something: GUILT.

"I see your in need of some assistance." We all turned to see, deja vu, Turumin the Hott. Two 't's because he's just that hott.

Nella seemed curious. "What could you do?"

He thought for a moment. "If anyone starts to ask questions, I could make up some extravagant reason for this..." He looked around. "...disaster."

Nella said something, but I couldn't understand. It was in Elvish... Yeah, I don't know that.

Magical, omniscient being POV

"But what about these two? They're uncontrollable!"

Turumin stroked his chin thoughtfully. "What if I took one and you took the other? Until we can straighten things out, of course."

She hesitated. She glanced at the girls. Becky was drooling over Turumin and Carmen was picking the last few feathers out of her hair. They seemed innocent but she'd seen the truth. And it was violent. "Alright but only because I'm desperate for some help. You take Becky, I'll take Carmen."

His face filled with fear. "Me? With that?" He pointed at Becky's lust-filled eyes. "Do you want me to die!"

Nella rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine. You take Carmen, I'll take Becky. We'll meet up at dinner tonight." They nodded in agreement. Nella was about to walk away when she turned back to Turumin with a curiosity in her eyes. "Why are you so willing to help all of a sudden?"

He shrugged. "A hero's job is never done." He went over to Carmen and before she could say a word, he had dragged her out of the room and down the hallway. He stopped abruptly causing Carmen to fall flat on her face. Then, realizing his mistake he quickly helped her up.

"Get off me!" Turumin obliged and she dropped back onto the floor. Carmen sighed in frustration and clumsily got to her feet. She turned to the Elf with daggers in her eyes. "Listen here you pointy-eared creep, don't _ever_ touch me again or I'll..."

"...spend the rest of your little visit in the dungeon?" He smiled smugly.

Carmen rolled her eyes and started to walk away. "Whatever," she said. And soon added in a mumble, "goblin boy."

"I heard that," Turumin called after her. He ran in front of her, blocking her path. She tried to go around him but he once again blocked her way.

She let out another frustrated sigh. "What do you want, you blonde-haired freak?"

Turumin raised an eyebrow. "You may not have noticed this, but you have blonde hair too."

"Yeah, but mine's fake," she said in a 'no duh' tone of voice. The Elf looked confused. "Just answer my question, Turo-...Turi-...Tour-...whatever your name is!"

"Turumin. My name is Turumin. Use what little part of a brain you have to remember that."

Carmen's mouth gaped open. "You just insulted me!"

"I'm glad you understood that much," he said under his breath.

She gave him a look. "You're ridiculous, you know that? First, I catch you checking me out. Then, you practically kidnap me. Now you're making fun of me?" There was pause. "Well," she said with folded arms, "make up your mind. Do you like me or not?"

The faintest shade of pink swept over Turumin's face. "Well, I, uh..." Carmen waited patiently for him to complete a coherent sentence. "Y-you m-must understand that, uh..."

She smirked. "Just as I thought. Let's add pathetic to your resume and call it a day, okay?" She looked him up and down with disgust. "Besides, I don't go for fairies in tights."

"And I'm not particularly fond of dim-witted mortal girls who think everything revolves around them." Their eyes locked, each one waiting for the other to back down. "When I first saw you, I thought you might change my view of mortals. But I was wrong. You're just as rude and self-centered as the rest."

"Newsflash, Elf boy. You're not exactly Prince Charming with the complimentary fruit basket."

"It's ironic, really. I actually wanted to help you. What a fool I was."

Carmen blinked. "Help me?"

Turumin turned his back towards her and secretly smiled. "Yes, I had planned on a sort of trade. I would let you off your maid duties if you helped me with a problem."

This sparked Carmen's curiosity. "What kind of problem?"

"Oh, it's nothing," Turumin replied, pretending to forget the situation. He looked back at her. "I suppose, since we obviously cannot get along, that the free room in the guest wing will be lonely for a while. Such as shame, it's much more luxurious than the one you destroyed. And of course I would have thrown into the deal a gorgeous wardrobe, servants, jewelry. You would have been treated as a princess."

The more he described what could have been, the more Carmen looked on the bridge of tears. Her bottom lip began to quiver at his last words. "Princess?"

Turumin nodded. "With all the special privileges." He paused for a dramatic effect. "But I guess you wouldn't agree, being _so_ repulsed by me..."

"No, no, wait!" Carmen jumped in front of him. Her voice became sugar-coated. "I never said I was _repulsed_ by you. I mean, I'm sure we can work something out and, well, you are kind of cute."

"I don't know," Turumin said in a fake tone of uncertainty.

"Please, please! Whatever it is I'll do it! Just don't make me clean!" Carmen begged.

"Then do we have an agreement?"

"YES!" she shrieked. Turumin winced.

"It's settled. I see to it that you're treated as a princess while you help me with my predicament."

Carmen beamed. "My princess treatment starts now, right?" Turumin nodded. Carmen giggled like a school girl and, much to Turumin's surprise, gave him a hug. She pulled away and quickly calmed herself down. "Sorry. I guess I was a little too excited," she mumbled to the floor.

Turumin suppressed a grin. "It's fine," he mumbled back.

There was a short, awkward pause. "So, uh, Turumin," Carmen began, "what is it you want me to help you with anyway?"

The Elf looked slightly ashamed. "I want you to help me become a hero."

"Me?" Turumin nodded. "Make you a hero?" He nodded again. Carmen paused. "How?"

"I've got a plan. It might take some time to get everything together. All you have to do is..." He hesitated to find the words. "...look pretty."

"Don't worry. I can do that," she said confidently.

"You're not afraid of heights by any chance?" Turumin asked casually.

"No..."

He smiled. "Good."

Becky's POV

"It's just not fair!" I whined and flung myself on the torn up bed. "Carmen gets _everything_. She got the cooler name, the better genes, the sucker boyfriends who buy her anything she wants. Now she's got Turumin!" I groaned into a shredded pillow.

I looked to see Nella come sit next to me. She smiled. I'm starting to hate her smiles. "It could be worse," she said, trying to make me feel better. "The guards could tell the King what happened." I lifted my head. "How did you do that?"

"I told them you both had mental issues."

Great, now all the Elves think I'm insane. And I'm not. "You're not exactly helping the situation." She does have a point, but for all I know it could already be worse. Who knows what horrific torture Carmen's putting that poor Elf through.

Nella sighed and scanned the room. We had yet to start the gargantuan task of cleaning it. "If we begin now we should finish by dinner," she said optimistically.

"When's that?" I asked.

"Oh, about three hours or so." She didn't seemed to notice the 'omigod, are you serious?' expression on my face. Maybe she's so happy because she's on drugs. Or maybe it's just a phase. A short phase hopefully. She hopped (yes, hopped) to her feet. "Well, shall we get started?"

I groaned again and threw my head back into the ripped pillow. Maybe Carmen's having a miserable time...

A kajillion years later, we had finished the room. We skipped the sewing part. Nella stashed anything ripped up under the bed and stole anything else we needed from what I think to be a room with an infinite amount of sheets, pillows, and cleaning supplies. I had to borrow one of Nella's more suitable-for-dinner dresses. It was all swishy and green and whatnot. What? Would you prefer I write a thousand word essay on what the dress looks like? No. Okay, moving on...

As we walked down the halls to dinner I began to wonder about a few things. Like Turumin for example. Isn't it strange that he _just so happens_ to look exactly like movie-Legolas and he _just so happens_ to be his cousin and he _just so happens_ to...well, I ran out of things. But that's not the point. Not that I know what point I'm getting at.

"Becky," Nella said. I snapped from my thoughts. "Where is it that you're from?"

"Another world," I replied simply.

"Oh." Silence... More silence... Yet even more silence... Note to self: must kill silence...

"Um, Nella, aren't you just the least bit curious to what I'm talking about?" To tell the truth, I was disappointed. I thought she'd be amazed at my answer and start asking all about it.

"Not exactly."

I frowned. "But don't you want to know all about my culture and life and stuff?" I was sounding a little to desperate for attention.

Nella let out a laugh. "I'm sorry, Becky, but there are things about this world I still haven't found out. I'd rather take the time to learn about my own home first." I stared down at the floor below me. Holy crap, it's moving! Oh, yeah. I totally forgot I was walking.

"But I'm sure your land is completely different from Middle-earth," Nella said, probably just to make me feel better. It worked. "Your clothes alone were quite a spectacle. I must know, was that truly Prince Legolas on that garment of yours?" I nodded proudly. She took a moment to ponder that. "Fascinating..."

My stomach started to churn. I had a bad feeling about this. "Nella, you're not going to, say, have me burned alive by claiming I'm some sort of a witch, are you?"

Nella stopped walking. "Are you a witch?" she asked suspiciously.

"Uh, no. I mean, I've never even seen a witch before." I paused. "I've never seen a real Elf before either."

"Well, then I see no reason for you to be burned alive." Something about the way she said that was comforting... I hope I don't get burned alive. That would suck. Yeah, that would _definitely_ suck.

(End of Chapter 5)

A/N: I notice I spend a lot of time editing chapters. I've been thinking about getting a beta because I can't post my other stuff. I need a second opinion. That's it... and POTC 2 out Friday! I can't wait!


	6. But why is the Elf gone?

Disclaimer: I own nothing... Not even a soul. I sold it for five bucks and a candy bar...

A/N: I've been having less and less time to write with the summer flying by. I've discarded any outlines for this fic and just write. It's easier and lazier, just what I like. I hope you laugh! And as always, thanks for the reviews!

Chapter 6-But why is the Elf gone?

Becky's POV

Day 3: The other night, dinner was boring. I had expected something cool to happen. You know, like a shocking sex secret revealed or a drunken brawl. But I've come to realize Elves aren't that exciting. The food is more like an 'acquired taste', Legolas is mysteriously gone, the conversation is in a language I have no hope in mastering, and, to top it all off, me and Nella couldn't find Turumin or Carmen. Great. Nella suspected they ate earlier but when I returned to our room, which is still a little messy, Carmen was no where to be seen! I searched all yesterday but she's _gone_. I'll have to look again today...

I slammed the journal close. I wasn't in the mood to verbalize my rage. It had been a gift from Nella to cheer me up, and it's not working. I think she's realized how incredibly disappointed I am with this place. Not to mention Carmen's vanishing act. Although, I must admit a day without Carmen is rather pleasant. Unfortunately because of her disappearance I've had to do her chores _and_ mine. She will die when I find her. Die, I say! There was a knock at the door. With my luck, Nella coming to fetch me for more chores. Sarcastic huzza. "Come in," I shouted.

The door opened. Was it Nella? No. Turumin? Too bad. Legolas? I wish. It was Miss Lucifer herself, Carmen. She casually leaned against the doorway and folded her arms. "And how is my dear, little sister?" she asked in a fake, sugary voice.

It took a moment to register, but when it did I was yelling at the top of my lungs. "How am I? HOW AM I?" I jumped to my feet and wobbled on the mattress. "You're the one who's been missing for over 24 freakin' hours! Where were you? I had to scrub _three_ extremely long corridors by _myself_ yesterday. And guess what? They don't have mops in Middle-earth. I had to get on my hands and knees." I held up my hands. "Look, they're _still_ prune-y!"

I was breathing like a deranged psychopath. Scratch that, I'd turned into a deranged psychopath. Carmen did not seem to care. "Calm down, loser. That's why I'm here," she said and waltzed over to the bed.

"Explain," I said through my teeth. I resisted the urge to dive-bomb her back to hell. It's a comforting image: Carmen's pretty face smeared with blood and kissing the floor. Pure magic.

She took a step back. "First, get off the bed. I don't want an aerial attack." I didn't budge. Carmen sighed angrily. "Fine, then. But touch one hair on my head and I'll have you locked in the dungeons."

I froze. "What do you mean _you'll_ lock me in the dungeons?"

Carmen gave me a way too smug smile that told me this was bad news. For me, that is. She was about to speak when Nella rushed into the room. She seemed a bit winded. "Becky, I know what happened to... your... sister..." She was obviously surprised to see Carmen.

"Now, as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted..." Carmen glared at Nella. "I have been promoted to royalty. You see, I don't have to play slave girl anymore." Her smiled widened. "I get my own room, nice clothes, and practically anything I want," she added.

I gave Nella my 'is this true?' look and Nella returned it with a solemn nod. "Carmen has the power to do whatever she pleases," she explained. "She's under the king's protection now. She's exempt from all cleaning duties and immune to punishment from any minor offenses."

I stared at Carmen with my mouth agape in shock. "I-immunity?" I stammered. "S-she got immunity... from the _king_?"

"Actually," Carmen butted in, "it was Turumin. We made a little deal."

"Deal?" I squeaked like a doggy chew toy. "What kind of deal?"

Nella crossed her arms and did her best for an intimidating glare, which wasn't much. "Yes, I would also like to hear about your 'little deal.'"

Carmen glanced nervously from me to Nella and back again. "Deal? Did I say deal? I didn't mean _deal_," she said uncomfortably. It was clear that this 'deal' was something no one else was suppose to find out about. "I meant, uh..." Ten seconds later we were still waiting for an answer.

"Sometime this century," I mumbled under my breath, just loud enough for the ditz to hear.

"Uh, well, wouldn't you look at the time," Carmen finally said, pointing at an imaginary watch on her wrist. "I've got... stuff to do. You know... uh, things. Yeah, things..." She scrambled out of the room.

"Should we follow her?" Nella asked.

I wasn't sure. Of course I was curious about what agreement she'd struck with Turumin and how she corrupted his poor mind into getting what she wanted. But the catch was Carmen is, in fact, stupid. Not to mention incredibly gullible.

"No," I replied. "I doubt Carmen knows much and this doesn't sound like something she would have come up with. This was done by someone crafty, intelligent. And who else does this leave but..."

"Turumin," Nella finished. She sighed and shook her head. "Somehow I have the feeling this is going to be very, very interesting..."

MOB (aka Magical, omniscent being)POV (sounds like the mob knows everything...)

Meanwhile...

"Are you positive?" Turumin asked. The young guard returned with yet another nod. "Are you absolutely sure, there's no doubt in your mind?" The guard nodded again. He was becoming rather annoyed with the young prince's question. Turumin paused. "But are you completely-"

"Yes, Prince Turumin, yes," the exhausted guard finally said. "I am without the faintest doubt, 100 percent positive, absolutely and completely sure that there are _no_ wargs, wolves, or any sort of demonic squirrels in Greenwood anymore. Only the rare, oversized spider." Turumin opened his mouth. "And yes, I am wholeheartedly and utterly certain," the guard cut him off.

"What about-"

"No."

"Perhaps-"

"_No_."

"Maybe-"

"NO."

"Possibly-"

"No, no and for the millionth time NO!" Turumin stayed silent from fear of angering him further. The guard inhaled deeply to calm himself. "I apologize for my outburst," he said in a more peaceful tone. He paused a moment to think. "I can't help you with live animals, but what of an animal pelt? A friend of mine has a collection and I'm sure he would be willing to spare a few for the king's son."

"I suppose," Turumin said slowly; "but I'll be in need of some assistance..."

"I would be honored to help in any way possible," the guard piped up from behind him.

"Would you be willing to make a complete fool of yourself?" Turumin asked casually.

"Uh..."

"Is that a 'no'?"

The guard hesitated. "Yes. I mean, no. Not to the question, that's a yes..." He paused. "Yes, I will help you."

Turumin smiled. "Wonderful." He grabbed the guard's shoulders like they were old friends. "Now, how do you feel about ripping apart a small animal with your teeth?"

Becky's POV

"Turumin?" Nella called out. She knocked on his door softly. "Turumin, are you in there?"

I rolled my eyes. "Do you really think that's going to get him out of there? You've been calling out for him for five minutes. And, frankly, I don't think he's even in there."

"Well, what do you propose we do?" She didn't seem very happy with my interference. I reached for the door handle but she held back my hand. "What are you doing? You can't barge in like an animal," Nella fussed.

By the look in her eyes, I wasn't going to have my special agent break-in ways. I huffed, pulled my hands from her grip, and walked a few steps away. Nella continued to knock quietly on the door, call out for Turumin, knock again, and repeat. It was borderline pathetic. Then, I had a magical idea. Not so much magical as gullible, but it was still an idea.

"Look, Turumin!" I shouted and pointed down the hall.

Nella looked up. "Where?"

I sighed. "Where do you think?" I asked sarcastically. I stretched my arm with my pointing finger out further.

Nella peered down the hall. "I don't see him."

I took a deep breath. Remain calm. "That's because he obviously turned the corner when I shouted out his name," I explained. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. "Come on, if we hurry we can catch up with him," I added. I started to run and thankfully Nella caught on before I had to go too far. She turned the corner, still running.

"Score," I whispered to myself. Complete with victory fist movement, of course. "While Nella's distracted, I can check the door." I paused. "And I'm talking to myself... Fantastic..." I stopped narrating my life and went for the door handle. I jerked it but the door didn't budge.

"Becky, I can't find him anywhere," I heard Nella's voice from the distance. "Becky?"

"Schizzle," I mumbled under my breath. I started to wiggle the door handle furiously. Nothing.

"Becky, what are you doing!" I heard Nella's voice in the distance. I pulled even harder on the door handle. Again, nothing. "Becky, stop!" I glanced up to see her heading my way.

I put one foot on the wall beside the door and the other planted firmly on the ground. I pulled with every once of strength I could muster. "C'mon, you stupid piece of-"

I flung backwards, landing on the floor on my derriere. Owies. I looked at my hand. The elaborate door handle was still there. Crapola.

"Becky, what happened? Are you all right?" I looked up to see Nella directly over my head. Luckily, she hadn't seen the broken handle. I hid my hand under a fold of my dress.

"I'm okay," I answered. She help me to my feet with my free hand.

She smiled. "I'm glad but how did you fall?"

I stole a nervous glance at the door. Unfortunately, Nella noticed. She slowly turned around to see the door was missing an important part. She went completely pale. It took her a moment before her head snapped back in my direction.

I showed her the broken handle and gave a fake laugh. "Look on the bright side," I said in Nella's usually optimistic fashion.

"What bright side?" Nella asked, her voice was quiet. Her eyes were the 'holy crap, I just saw a freakin' ghost' big. That caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting her to actually want to hear about whatever smidgen of a bright side there was.

"Uh... at least we know Turumin's not pregnant." Nella gave me a blank stare. "You know, cause he's a guy..." She didn't seem very joyful about that. I crossed my arms and sighed angrily. "Well, _someon_e has to try to make the situation better."

(End of Chapter 6)

A/N: Well... there you go... I wonder if anyone has figured out Turumin's master plan... Oh, and remember, reviews make me joyful!


	7. Revenge is like a flaky scab

Disclaimer: I own stuff you don't care about. And remember: Plagiarism is WRONG!

A/N: I'm proud of this story. It maybe something I actually finish! Gasp! However, don't expect new chapters soon. My school starts Friday. Boo! I know I had tense problems in the last chapter. This is why I need a beta! Any takers?

Chapter 7-Revenge is like a flaky scab

Becky's POV

CLANG! The door handle fell back to the floor. Again. I snatched it back up and tried to insert it into its rightful place once more. "No worries, Nella," I said reassuringly. "The twenty-third time's a charm." I let go and held my breath, hoping for success. It stuck!

I gave Nella my 'I am a genius, admit it' smile but she looked nervous instead. "Becky, how can we be sure it will open the door?"

I leaned against the door and sighed. "That's not the point. The point is to make it _look_ like it works. That way, when the next person comes to open the door and the handle breaks off, they'll think it's their fault," I explained. She still looked iffy. "Look, it hasn't fallen (CLANG!)...yet..." We both stared at the handle on the floor for a moment. "Did I say the twenty-third time would work? I meant the twenty-billionth..."

Nella shook her head in despair. "This is completely hopeless." Wow, and I thought I was the pessimistic one. She sounded like someone had just died. Or is about to die... Not good...

I patted her shoulder. "It's not _that_ bad. We just need to find some glue and this will all be fixed."

My Elf compadre was clearly puzzled. She sniffed back tears. "What's glue?"

I stared wide-eyed at her. "You mean, they don't have any glue here?" She shook her head 'no.' "Yeah, we're screwed..."

Nella sniffed again, making me wonder if Elves had boogers. "Well, what is the point of glue?"

"To...um, stick things?"

"Then we should look for some other substance that 'sticks things.'"

I hit myself in the forehead. "Duh, why I didn't I think of that before?" Nella opened her mouth to answer. "I was talking to myself. Kind of a rhetorical question thing," I added. "Okay, so what do we have that's sticky?" No response. "I was expecting an answer that time," I said wearily.

Nella thought for a second. "Honey?"

I cringed at the thought. "Too sticky and I'm not sure if it could hold something together."

"Cheese?"

"Somehow I don't think that would work out right. And it might start to get funky after a while."

"A jam or marmalade of some sort might work."

I shook my head. "No, I don't think-" I paused. "You guys have jelly here? Maybe I could finally make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich..." Wait... keep waiting... almost there... "Peanut butter!" I shouted.

"Peanut butter?" Nella repeated. "Is it like glue?"

I nodded. "Kind of like food glue," I explained. "When me and Carmen first got here, I found some peanut butter in her purse. It would be perfect! All we have to do is find Carmen's room and we're in business. Do you know where it is?"

"Of course," Nella replied.

"Great, let's go!" I started to run in some random direction.

"Wait!" I stopped short and looked back to see Nella hadn't followed. She picked up the door handle. "What do we do with this?"

I shrugged. "Bring it." I started to run again.

"Wait!" I froze and looked back yet again. Nella still had moved.

"What do you want? We've got to hurry!"

"You're going the wrong way," she said. "The guest wing is the other direction."

"Oh, yeah... I knew that..." Not really.

MOB POV

At that moment, Carmen turned the corner to see Nella and her sister run off in the other direction. "What are those dorks up to?" she asked herself aloud. She shrugged and went to Turumin's room. She knocked on the door. "Turumin, it's me!" No response. "Turumin?" Still nothing. Carmen huffed. "TURUMIN, OPEN THIS DOOR OR I'LL BREAK IT DOWN!" The door didn't move.

Carmen screamed and kicked the door. She screamed again, this time from pain. "Ow, you retarded door!" She kicked it once more for revenge. And once more shouted out in pain. Frustrated and in agony, she sat down on the floor and gently rubbed her tender foot. She glared up at the door. But something was off. The door handle was gone.

"What have I done? Turumin's gonna kill me!" Carmen frantically got on her hands and knees and searched the ground for the missing piece. It had vanished. She started to panic. "Where'd it go?"

"Where did what go?" Carmen looked to see Turumin and another Elf standing above her.

"Uh... you," she answered hesitantly. "I was looking for you."

Turumin stared down at her. "You were looking for me on the floor?" She nodded. "I'll leave it at that..."

As Carmen got to her feet and brushed herself off, Turumin glanced over at his new accomplice. He was busy eyeing Carmen approvingly. "#She's cute.#"

Turumin rolled his eyes. "#She's also rude, self-centered, and brainless,#" he added with distaste. The guard ignored him. "#Did I mention she also hates Elves?#"

"I know you two are talking about me," Carmen interrupted. Both Elves turned to see her glaring at them. She turned her attention to the new Elf. "Who's the Jake Gyllenhaal/Heath Ledger cowboy love child?" She gave him a once-over. "He's cute." Gildor grinned.

"Thank the Valar you approve, then," Turumin said sarcastically. "Carmen, this Gildor. He'll be assisting us with a few things. He's a guard for the palace."

Carmen raised a well-groomed eyebrow. "Gildor? His name is Gildor? It sounds like some kind of..." She paused. "Well, it just sounds retarded."

Gildor's smile suddenly vanished and was replaced by an obviously insulted frown. "You're going to allow her to disrespect me like that?" Turumin only gave him a 'told you so' look.

"Oh, what's the matter?" Carmen said in a mock-sincere voice. "Is the baby Gilly-door too scared to stand up for himself? Hmm?" Gildor squared his jaw and held back his fists. "Oh, and for the record, fishy boy, you hit me and I'll have all your little guard friends up here to throw your pixie ass in the dungeons." She smiled maliciously.

Gildor looked to Turumin for help once again. Turumin shrugged. "She has the ability," he said. "However, my word will always override hers. And I say there will be no 'dungeon throwing' of any kind." He gave a stern look at Carmen.

She, of course, ignored it. "Whatever. Can we just get this over with?"

Turumin sighed, thinking maybe he should have taken his chances with Becky. "Gildor, where is this friend of yours?"

"Not far," he replied. There was a long pause. "Did you want me to go ahead?" Turumin sighed once more and nodded. "All right, then. This way." Gildor walked down the hall followed by Turumin. Carmen stayed behind for a moment. She stared at the missing door handle, then at both Elves.

"Stupid Elves," she mumbled under her breath.

"I heard that!" Turumin shouted from down the hall.

Carmen rolled her eyes before trudging on to whatever Turumin had in store for them. On the positive side, at least he hadn't noticed the broken door. Yet.

Becky's POV

Nella and I... Nella and me? Anyways, we stood in front of Carmen's room. The door was closed. Neither of us moved.

"Open it," I said to Nella.

"Maybe we should knock first?"

"Yeah, ten minutes of knocking the door is _so_ helpful when someone's not in the room," I said under my breath.

Nella huffed. "Well, if you're so certain she isn't in there, you open it."

"Me? No way. I've had my share of barging in on Carmen. It's your turn." I might have failed to mention that Carmen will rip your head off if you walk in on her. But Nella's an Elf, she can handle a decapitation or two.

She shook her head. "I don't want to be held responsible for any mishaps. You open it."

"_You_ open it."

"You open it."

"Your face!" Nella gave me a 'double-u-tee-effe with question mark' look. I giggled nervously. "Sorry, habit..."

We both stared at the door in silence. "Okay, so here's the deal," I finally said, "I'll throw open the door, and then we run away. If Carmen comes out, we'll have a head start for a getaway. If she doesn't, we go in the room. Got it?" She nodded in agreement.

I stood in front of the door with my hand ready to open it. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Oh dear heavenly deity of Middle-earth," I prayed, "please give my feet the speed of... something really, really fast. Or the strength to take a serious beating. Amen... or Elf... Peace out, homie."

I opened my eyes and looked to Nella. She nodded, ready to run like the personified version hell. If the personified version of hell can run. In a flash, I jerked open the door and sprinted down the hall screaming, "We're all gonna die! Run for it!" Once I was out of breath, aka 5 seconds later, I stopped and looked around. No Carmen. Nella was to my side. Then there was the sound of feet stomping. I looked to see a handful of Elves running past us, shouting wildly in Elvish.

"I think they believed we were actually going to die, as you said," Nella pointed out.

I stared at their forms as they got farther and farther away. "Wow, they're like sheep," I commented. I seriously need to try that at home. I turned back to Nella. "Let's go to her room." We stepped through the doorway with our eyes scanning over Carmen's room. She was gone. I gaped at the room itself. It was so huge that the large four poster bed with matching wardrobe was dwarfed. I glanced at Nella. She was deep in thought, stroking her chin in the cliched 'don't bother me, I'm thinking' look.

"Somehow this doesn't seem..."

"Fair?" I suggested angrily. "I told you Carmen gets everything." I was not a happy camper. Heck, I was nowhere near the campsite! I spotted her purse off to the side. I'd almost forgotten about our super-secret-deluxe-mission-extraordinaire.

I grabbed the bag and hopped on the bed. It was a mattress-shaped piece of heaven. So unfair. I dumped out its contents. "You know," I began, "it would be great if we could sabotage at least _something_ of Carmen's. Like locusts or a bath full of toads. Something along the lines of a biblical plague. I still owe her for the time she told me scabs were strawberry flavored cornflakes. I was seven! I liked cornflakes!" I gagged. "The taste still haunts me." Silence. I was expecting at least a shudder. "Nella, are you even listening to my wicked intellect?"

Nella snapped out of it. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

I sighed. "Nothing," I muttered. No one ever seems to listen to me. Usually because I make no sense whatsoever, but that shouldn't matter. I spied the peanut butter and snatched it from the pile of random junk. I stuff the other stuff in the bag. "Come on," I said as I got to my feet, peanut butter in tow. "I got the goo, now let's get the go!" Nella stared at me, dumbfounded. I sighed again. "Let's just leave before I start speaking in -izzles."

A bit later...

"There, looks good as new!" I marveled at my handiwork. The peanut butter had worked perfectly. On the other hand, Nella seemed rather doubtful.

"Are you certain this looks convincing?" she asked. I took another look at my masterpiece. There was peanut butter covering most of door handle and door.

I shook my head. "Oh, ye of little faith. Take a sip from the cup of, well, faith. That's what I do." I paused. "I mean, I do take the occasional sip from the cup of bad ideas... and the cup of idiot."

Nella raised her eyebrows. "Becky, I have no idea what you are saying." Her face turned concerned. "Are you feeling ill in any way? Maybe we should stop by the healers."

I raised my eyebrows back. She didn't understand that I just wanted her to ignore my rambling and reached out a hand to feel my forehead. "You do feel a little warm," she added.

I removed her hand, turned around, and began to walk away. "I'm going to find Turumin," I called back.

"But you may need medicine-"

"Still walking!" I shouted. Maybe I need to learn to sip from the cup of silence.

MOB POV (much later)

The Elf-maid with a pile of sheets in one arm gently knocked on the door. "Prince Turumin, are you in there?" she called. She waited a moment. No response. Thinking no one was inside, she turned the door handle. But instead of the door opening, the handle made a SQUISH sound.

The maid was surprised to say the least and pulled on the handle. It came out covered in a beige, creamy substance. She lifted the handle to her nose and sniffed. It didn't smell too bad at all. She cautiously licked it with the tip of her tongue. Actually, it was delicious!

She began to lick it with all of her tongue. It was almost licked clean when someone cleared their throat to the side of her. She looked, her tongue still resting on the handle. Turumin, Gildor, and Carmen all stood there. The two Elves were frozen in shock and the enormous pile of fur in Gildor's arms fell to the floor.

Carmen rolled her eyes in disgust. "And I thought Becky licking televisions was weird."

(End of Chapter 7)

A/N: Don't get technical, get cra-zay! And review, too... Oh, and peanut butter is a good substitute for glue in the right situations. Take that, PB haters!


	8. Don't call it a comeback

Disclaimer: Don't own anything except the OCs.

A/N: HELLO NEW AND OLD READERS! This fic hasn't been updated in YEARS but I'm actually hoping to finish. Please excuse the slight change in writing styles, it's been a while. Enjoy!

Chapter 8- Don't call it a comeback

Carmen was half asleep and, for some reason, moving in a bumpy, rather uncomfortable fashion. Whatever was going on, she didn't necessarily care. She had learned an important lesson last night at the banquet hall: Elf wine is particularly strong. And she was currently suffering the results. Her stomach churned from the bouncy ride and she groaned, still half asleep.

Gildor looked at the prince from his own horse, loaded with supplies and was obviously on the jealous side. Turumin meanwhile paid no heed to the hung over Carmen sprawled out on the back of his horse.

Gildor huffed. "Why do you get to carry the girl?"

Turumin glanced over at his newfound friend and smiled. "I thought you found her attitude 'abrasive and dim?' Seemed like you left in quite a hurry when she started drunkenly singing songs about… what was it again? Chains and whips exciting her?" He smiled to himself. "I have to admit, it was hilarious to watch the guards try to restrain her during her dance solo on the table."

Gildor winced, adjusting his position on his saddle and remembering the highly uncomfortable activities from last night. He couldn't necessarily say he didn't get what he deserved. He was partially at fault after all, being the one who kept filling her goblet in hopes that she would be more tolerable when drunk. He gazed at Carmen dangling from the horse. "Despite all that, she is much more… bearable when recovering…" His eyes lingered on her 'assets.'

"You really should give it up before she gives you a face full of knuckles." Gildor continued to stare. At that moment the horse ride had become too much for Carmen and she promptly vomited down the side of the horse, painting its white coat a festive purple. Gildor dry heaved and looked away.

Turumin looked behind him with a smile. "Or a face full of vomit."

Becky's POV

"This. Sucks. So. Hard," I grumbled as I peeled my bajillionth potato. I had nicked myself at least a dozen times, losing a good cup or so of blood. Apparently, Middle-Earth has yet to discover the magical wonder that is the potato peeler.

I looked up at Nella, merrily humming as she swiftly chopped carrots at a pace that would make even top chefs jealous. "Oh, don't be so sour. We're almost done," she said optimistically. SHE was almost done. I, on the other hand, still had two more barrels of tater shavin' to do.

I sighed. "What's the point of this big feast thingy again? I mean, it's not like it's a holiday or anything." I paused. "Is it?"

"Oh, no, not a holiday," Nella responded, still going at those carrots. "The Elves of Mirkwood are known for their frequent feasts during the spring and summer months. Most of the Elves in Mirkwood have not traveled into the West yet so there are still many of us left to-"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" I looked up to see Nella a little miffed by my outburst. "Sorry," I added sheepishly. These constant chores the past few days had been wearing on my nerves. I want to find Turumin, possibly kidnap him, not play servant for the rest of my time here. Although I hadn't discussed it with anyone yet, I was getting concerned how long I actually had here and it felt wasted with mopping and chopping. At least tonight is supposed to be festive.

I glanced up to see two Elf servants come in with even more vegetables and start speaking lively to themselves. In Elvish unfortunately. I also noticed Nella's head perk up and she paused her carrot killing to even eavesdrop. I'm getting proud of her. Maybe one day I can convince her to take up stalking as well! I need a stalking buddy for my Turumin endeavors.

The two servants moved to the other side of the room, out of earshot. Nella looked distraught. Well, it could have been disbelief. I wasn't quite sure. "Fill me in, Nelliel." Oh, another anime reference wasted in this world. Shame, shame.

"Well," Nella said, leaning in with her voice a notch lower. I leaned in too. Clearly we're middle school girls. "It seems that your sister made a complete fool of herself last night."

My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree that's caught an electrical fire. "Puh-lease give me details."

Nella nodded and happily continued, "Apparently, she stayed after dinner to try some Elven wine. It's infamously known to Men as being the strongest there is, as you well know, and our dear Carmen did not know this." Her face broke out into the biggest smile I've seen her wear yet. "She was so drunk she started singing about, well… reproductive activities, in front of the more noble families, dancing on the banquet table, and even kicking a guard in…" She paused and nervously added, "…private area… And it seems it took four guards to restrain her."

Commence jaw drop. Was it the fact that she completely made an ass out of herself or that Nella couldn't bring herself to say words like 'sex' or 'man dongs' that surprised me more? I'm leaning towards Carmen's behavior. "I can't believe we missed it…" I said mumbled in disbelief. "Wait, a sex song?"

Nella blushed deeply. "Something about how she loves the smell of it…"

"Oh, I know that song. Not a particularly classy one," I mused. Carmen's drunken preference for blatantly sexual pop songs had even further dropped her respect points with me. She's well into the negative thousands by now.

"There is rumor among the staff that this morning the king was notified of the incident. And if this is true…" Nella trailed off.

"Then Turumin's going to get his ass handed to him by his dad?" I asked. Nella nodded in approval. Which means Carmen is going to be in such dog crap. As in, bull mastiff sized crap, not a dinky little chihuahua. "Oh, this is going to the beginning of something magically delicious…"

Cut to a few hours later…

It was dark out, but the woods were lit up with dozens of torches and the long tables were stretched out, covered with a mouth watering feast. There were floral wreaths and chains decorating the clearing as well because I'm assuming streamers were not on the budget. Not to mention the lute or flute or whatever music it was. Not a very upbeat tempo but not bad. Overall, it had a very earthy, hippie feel. Without the drugs or psychedelic shrooms.

Nella and I had already taken our places at one of the tables and everyone seemed to be having a blast talking, eating, and of course, drinking. Someone set a goblet of wine down next to my plate. I grabbed for it. With all the fuss about this stuff I had to try. Right before I took my first sip of the supposedly AA inducing wine, Nella grabbed it from my hand.

I looked up at her, clearly upset. "What gives, Nel? You were about to witness a potentially beautiful thing!"

"If your sister allegedly is bad with wine, I'm sorry Becky but I don't have much confidence in giving you any," she said rather sternly.

I mustered up some fake tears. "But… but…" Suddenly, a random plate of some cake-like dessert with what seemed to be medieval whipped cream landed in front of me. I stared at it eagerly. "You know what, I think I'll be okay," I said, not taking my eyes off the dessert. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the entire food channel cast lives somewhere around here…

MOB POV

Carmen hesistantly looked down from nearly fifteen feet up a tree, shaking and clinging to the base. Although Turumin found the most stable branch he could, he was having second thoughts about it, not that he told Carmen that. It'd taken a dozen bribes of clothes and jewelry to get her up the tree and he had to carry her up there himself. He knew he'd have bruises from where she had clung to him for dear life. Meanwhile, Gildor enjoyed the pleasant view of her from the ground. Turumin was starting to regret enlisting him to help.

"Are we r-ready yet?" Carmen weakly shouted down.

"Almost," Turumin responded from the ground. He turned to Gildor, who was decked out in a well-preserved warg skin. The head of the beast flopped over Gildor's face and overall the skin was rather cumbersome to hold in place. "Do you have everything ready?"

Gildor nodded, pointing out the mound of fresh meat and holding up a container. He looked a little uncertain. "Are you sure this will work?"

"Positive," Turumin answered reassuringly. "From far enough away and in this area with the bushes, it's rather convincing. Plus, the night's festivities should get everyone tipsy enough to ignore details."

"But, are you sure you won't… miss?" Gildor tentatively asked, pointing out Turumin's bow.

The prince scowled. "I'm not THAT bad of a shot." Gildor didn't seem convinced. "I won't aim for anything vital, does that sound better?" he added. Gildor nodded slowly.

"Can-can we get this o-over with?" The Elves looked up to find Carmen still cowering in the tree tops.

Turumin gulped and looked off into the distance. Faint music could be heard with the glow of torches and shadows of festive, and hopefully drunk, party goers lingering about. "Okay," he finally shouted up to her, "I think we're ready." At least, he hoped they were…

(End of Chapter 8)

A/N: Hope you all enjoyed it! Feedback is pleasantly welcome! It will encourage me to continue!


	9. Elf, the synonym for extreme wino

A/N: Another chapter already! I am on a roll (or I feel like it)! This chapter was a little difficult to write but trust me, if I ever made a movie out of it, it'd make a million times more sense and be so kickass. Thank to those who reviewed! It made my day! Hope you guys enjoy!

Chapter 9- Elf, the synonym for extreme wino

Gildor nervously dodged around leaves in the brush, trying to spy on the festivities going on in the distance. Everyone was cheery, drinking and laughing. Not to mention the faint smell of the feast was mouth-watering. He audibly gulped as he imagined how delicious just one sip of wine would be right now. ..

But he couldn't abandon his position yet. He was suppose to be waiting until the on-duty guards left the area to fetch another barrel or two of wine, signaling that not only were the Elves void of potential weapons but also common sense.

If Turumin had planned it out accurately, they should be tipsy enough at that point to see an actual warg trying to attack poor Carmen in the trees rather than Gildor wearing a lopsided pelt. Turumin, sober and equipped with his bow, comes rushing forth, shooting the 'warg' in the side. The exact spot he was meant to shoot had a pouch of animal blood for effects… and to make sure Gildor was not horribly maimed from the arrow. The mound of meat was just in case anyone decided to come any closer, and by that point they would scramble to make a warg carcass convincing enough for any drunken Elf.

Gildor tapped his foot impatiently. He could also help his fellow Elves drink the wine, making the process go a little faster. Running around in a fur pelt, grunting and growling wasn't any harder drunk than sober, right? He looked up to see Carmen still hanging onto the tree, eye closed and quietly talking to herself about 'goblin boys' and castration. She wouldn't notice if he slipped away for just a minute.

Gildor quickly removed the pelt and snuck off into the direction of the party…

Becky's POV

"Oh, that will not do!"

"No, you need to twist it like THIS."

"Your plaiting is horribly off center."

"It is not. It's your head that's off center."

I winced as a handful of rather tipsy Elf girls pulled my hair one way and then the other, braiding, putting in flowers, fussing over my unruly curls. Not particularly sure how I got into this situation but I do recall Nella offering me up to some of the girls, thinking the experience would be fun. I guess 'fun' equals pain. Intense, excruciating, gut-wrenching, over exaggerated pain. Hopefully not crap-inducing pain though.

I glanced around. Come to think of it, with the exception of me and some of the more goody-goody Elves, everyone was acting pretty… boozy. Not just the Elves either, the table cloth was soaked with the stuff. Luckily, it was the same deep purple as the wine, something I guess they discovered was a good idea long ago.

It was like that family reunion in wine country all over again with spilled wine and drunken people everywhere, except less middle-age family members gyrating awkwardly to rap music and no one's getting arrested for running naked through the vineyards. Or grandma hitting on the staff, saying she needs to get laid before she dies. God bless that ancient cougar.

"We need more wine!" I heard a chorus of voices say, I looked over to see the guards merrily comply and leave. Should guards be drinking when they have deadly weapons at their disposal? I guess by Elf standards, yes.

A fierce tug at my hair brought me out of my thoughts. "Ouch!" I looked back at the Elf in question. She sheepishly grinned. I pushed her hands away from my head. "That's enough playing hair dresser for today," I said in the most motherly tone I could muster up. Before she could protest I quickly dodged out of her way and briskly walked further down the table.

"I swear it was THIS big!"

"Please, Beor, that warg gets bigger every time you tell the story."

I paused midstride to eavesdrop on the competition. A group of male Elves were giggling at a clearly flustered one, which I was guessing was Beor. He huffed. "I swear to the Valar I saw three wargs the other day." He held his arms open wide. "They were HUGE."

"But everyone knows the wargs never actual lived in this region. Plus, the woods have been expunged of all evil entities," one of Elves casually said. The other Elves continued to laugh at him. I felt bad for Beor getting picked on. I opened my mouth, about to say something when….

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Most of the Elves flinched, holding their ears from the blood curdling scream. A few people started to shout in a panicked tone in Elvish and everyone started scrambling from the tables. I stood there, dumbfounded by what was happening… or just being dumb. Then I realized, 'hey, everyone's running in fear, better run too!' I took off in a half-dead sprint, the best I could come up with, before slowly down to a brisk walk. I was almost to the cave entrance where most of the Elves had piled in, creating a living traffic jam.

"Becky!" I turned to see Nella running my way but getting a little lost in the commotion of people. I ran into the crowd, determined to get to her quicker. The sudden panic from the crowd was a clear signal to get the hell out of here.

Nella grabbed my hand when I was close enough and pulled me to the side. "What's going on?" I asked nervously. Nella opened her mouth to say something but-

"AAAAAHHHHHH!"

Even with the scream farther away it was still irritatingly loud. Something seemed too familiar about that voice… I looked up at Nella in horror.

"Wait," I said, my voice feeling a little shaky. "I know that scream." Because I'd heard it a thousand times…

Nella paled, realizing it too. "You don't believe that it's…"

"Carmen," I breathed.

MOB POV

"This can't be happening to me!" Carmen shrieked as she clung desperately to the base of the tree. Below her, three massive and terrifying creatures were fighting over the pile of meat that had been left for the pseudo carcass. She couldn't tell what they were, it was too dark and she doubted she'd know in the light, but they were putrid and had really, really sharp teeth. Where was Gildor? More importantly, where was Turumin?

Carmen watched in shock as they ripped apart the meat, tearing it like paper and biting each other over it. She scanned the dark forest. The lights from the feast had extinguished and she couldn't find any sign of Gildor the Betrayer or…

"Carmen!" a voice whispered from the dark. She peered on the ground to see Turumin standing there, ready to fight. "Don't scream, you'll draw their attention," he warned.

She almost felt happy to see the Elf. Almost. She shook herself out of it. "Turumin, you goblin bastard," she whispered harshly back, "what the hell is going on here? Where's Gildor? And, oh by the way, what are these freakin' things?"

Becky's POV

"I don't care! She's my sister!" I shouted back to Nella. She had tried to convince me not to go after Carmen's screams but I didn't care. If something happened to Carmen… well, for one, I'd probably be grounded for the rest of my life and second, I wasn't about to lose my only sister to who-knows-what.

I snatched a lantern from a passing Elf and continued my march into the dark. I gulped. No time to be afraid. There's nothing in Mirkwood anymore, right? All those Elves telling Beor off wasn't for nothing.

I heard Nella yell after me and decided to take off in a jog back towards the few torches still lit in the distance. I swear to God, if Carmen's dead I'm going to murder her…

MOB POV

Turumin cautiously stepped near a tree, and in the blink of an eye had jumped from the sides of two other trees onto the branch Carmen was on. She blinked and opened her mouth to speak but Turumin put his hand over it and signaled her to be quiet. She shoved his hand away and angrily pointed to the creatures below.

Turumin took a closer look and furrowed his brow. He almost couldn't believe his own eyes. He faintly whispered, "wargs" under his breath. Carmen raised an eyebrow. Turumin sighed. "Something you don't want to mess with." He noticed Carmen obviously frown. "What's wrong?"

"I was secretly hoping for a Twilight Jacob-esque werewolf thing going on," she replied sounding disappointed and still whispering.

Turumin rolled his eyes, not even bothering to ask but knowing it most likely a reference to something highly unnecessary to their current survival situation. "Listen, all we need to do-" There was a large CRACK and the pair swayed as the branch beneath them started to break. This also caught the attention of the three wargs. They began growling and snapping at the branching, steadily growing impatient for another upcoming meal.

Turumin quickly scanned the situation and turned to Carmen, who was on the verge of tears and holding onto the tree. The branch snapped even more and she screamed while Turumin struggled to keep his balance on the other end of the branch.

"Carmen, I know you're frightened but you need to trust me right now," he said calmly, extending his hand out to her.

She bit her lip and sniffed back tears. "I-I don't know if I can," she whimpered and stared down. The wargs were pacing under the branch, waiting. Turumin seemed like a mile away and if she slipped…

Turumin's expression softened. "You don't have much of a choice, aranel," he said. He reached out further. Carmen nodded nervously and stood up, straining to keep her balance. She took a deep breath and stepped forward, reaching out for his hand.

Turumin quickly took her hand and grabbed her tightly by her waist, jumping to the ground as the branched completely broke, falling on the three wargs. They roared in anger and strained under the weight but the pair had already started running.

Turumin put two fingers in his mouth and let out a loud whistle. Within seconds, a saddled horse, the one he had been riding earlier, showed up. Turumin whispered something in the horse's ear and quickly jumped in the saddle and pulled Carmen on in front of him, handing her the reigns. "You're going to take us towards those lights," he pointed to dim glow in the distance where the feast had been, "while I start on these." He drew his bow from his back.

"But I've never ridden a horse before!" Carmen panicked.

"Don't worry. Belan knows where to take us," he said reassuringly, patting the horse. He saw the wargs dizzily come out of the brush in the distance. "Noro lim, Belan!" he shouted to the horse.

The horse responded immediately, taking off in the right direction despite Carmen's baffled look at the reigns. The wargs were soon right behind them. Turumin shot of his arrows, one, two, even three at a time. The wargs slowly but the arrows still weren't sinking in deep enough into the creatures to cause any real damage. Their hides were too thick and their fur too dense.

He glanced ahead of the horse. They were almost to the tables. The usual wine-soaked table cloths. He had a plan, hoping that his brethren had kept up the tradition of getting completely drunk on festive nights. "Jump over them and then stop," he ordered to Carmen before returning to his endeavor to shoot down the wargs.

"Uh, sure," Carmen said anxiously. Right before they came to the edge of the chairs she closed her eyes and tugged on the reigns. The horse powerfully leaped over the tables and chairs, landing gracefully on the other side and stopped abruptly with another tug at the reigns. Carmen proudly smiled to herself, but that didn't last long. The wargs jumped on the tables and began to roar in their direction.

"Omigod, we are so gonna die," Carmen half-whispered in fear.

Turumin scanned the area. No lit torches nearby. He could sprint towards one but that would leave Carmen open to an attack and he knew he couldn't outrun a warg on foot if they chased him. Maybe they were going to die…

Suddenly, all three massive animals turned their heads to a faint glow to the side. A lantern popped up from side behind them and holding that lantern was none other than…

Becky's POV

I stared, open-mouthed at the horse carrying Carmen and Turumin. "Wow, that's a big ass horse!" I exclaimed. Then I noticed the overgrown house pets, each with a rather ferocious looking set of teeth. "HOLY CRAP, THOSE ARE BIG ASS HYENAS!" Their stench made me take a step back. It was like a poo-covered dog, a long-dead dog, and a wet dog got together and had a little doggie party. I gagged on the smell.

"Becky, hurry, toss me your lantern!" Turumin yelled, jumping down from the freakishly large horse.

I nodded. Tossing things. Not my forte, hence why I'm usually picked last in gym class. I threw the lamp with all I had and he caught it expertly. In a second, he he-manned the lantern onto the table, not only reaching the table but effectively smashing it into a million little pieces. But more importantly, the flame from inside touched the table cloth.

Abruptly, the entire table was covered in flames, and so were the wolf creatures. Who knew they would be so flammable? They start howling like crazy, running off into the distance. Turumin sighed in relief and I smiled to myself. "Becky to the rescue," I said happily. Turumin grinned but looked a little tired to speak and sat on the ground. Carmen promptly leaned over from atop the horse and, per usual, vomited.

I shrugged. "I guess the smell of burning hair and flesh isn't that great to her." I sniffed the air. Is it just me or did those things smell even worse set on fire? Like burning a pile of feces and garbage. With that, I, too, leaned over and barfed my guts up. We're clearly two sisters keepin' it classy.

(End of Chapter 9)

A/N: I like to believe the alcohol content in Elf wine is strong enough to light up in flames, lol. Hope you're prepared for the next chapter. It might be a while after this intense one (my longest yet, I believe).


	10. I want to eat your face…cake

A/N: Geez, I never update, do I? Well, this a chapter that I find to be particularly interesting and one I've had in mind for quite some time. Hope you enjoy it! Please review to inspire to me to write some more (hint, hint)!

Chapter 10- I want to eat your face…cake

"Maybe pink? What do you think?"

"Pink is rather lovely-"

"Ooh! Look at this green!"

"It is very-"

"Blue! Definitely blue!" Silence. "Nella, are you even listening to me?" I turned to find her with a rather exasperated look and armfuls of material. I might have gone overboard. Just a tad. "Sorry, I'm just a little excited."

Nella heaved the pile of cloth on top of a chair with a very He-Man like grunt and daintily wiped her hands on her dress. "Well, it is understandable. It's not every day the King throws a celebration in your honor. And how generous that he offered to have the tailors make you a custom dress!"

I grinned. "Yeah, I just want to look my best, you know?" My smile promptly turned upside down. "I don't get why Carmen has to be a guest of honor, too. I mean, yeah, Turumin. I get that with him saving the day and being the King's nephew and everything, but Carmen? She didn't do anything!"

Maybe I was sounding a teeny bit selfish, but come on! All Carmen had done was ride a horse that could steer itself and puke her guts up afterwards. If it weren't for my sheer stupidity of running headfirst into the situation trying to save her dumbass, we'd all be warg chowder.

Nella shook her head. This was probably my tenth time complaining about Carmen getting a share of my and Turumin's glory. I honestly don't know how or why Nella still put up with me. Must be my witty intellect. "It's still a wonderful honor." I was still feeling a little down and she must have noticed. "Cheer up," she said in her normal overly optimistic tone, "because I know one thing is for certain."

"What? Death and taxes?"

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "I was going to say that the cooks are also baking a cake as a surprise-"

"A cake? Seriously?!" My eyes widened. I began to literally jump with joy. All this time and the Elves have been holding out cake on me? Honestly, I was too excited to be angry. I hope it's a face cake i.e. cake with my face on it! Or even better, Legolas's face…

"Becky, you're drooling on the fabric!"

"Whoops, my bad," I said with a sheepish grin. I guess some things never change.

MOB POV

Carmen tossed the magazine she'd been flipping through for the umpteenth time with a sigh and laid back on bed. She was bored. Incredibly bored. Without high-speed internet access, let alone electricity, life in Middle-earth was not the adventure Becky bragged it would be. And indoor plumbing. She missed that, too.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in," she said with a roll of eyes. Probably another elf maid coming in to measure her bust size again. Elves apparently had no concept of a bust bigger than an A cup. Truth be told, Carmen wouldn't even mind the company. She was starting to feel a little lonely. Just a little.

Surprisingly, Turumin poked in head through the doorway. "Are you decent?"

Carmen sat up and scowled. "Why would you ask that if you're already looking inside?"

The Elf stepped in, closing the door behind him with his hands behind his back. "I've got a surprise for you," he said, completely ignoring her question, as usual. He held up two goblets and a bottle of wine.

Carmen grimaced. "I don't think I can handle any more of your wine. The last time was pretty bad," she said, remembering her drunken antics. That poor guard probably wouldn't be having kids anytime soon.

Turumin grinned at the memory. "As hilarious as it was last time, you probably won't have as severe effects after a couple drinks of this." He took a seat on the upholstered bench at the foot of the bed, having previously learned the lesson of not sitting on Carmen's bed. "This particular wine," he held up the bottle, "is one of my father… erm, I mean uncle's specialty wines. He only brings it out for special occasions and I thought your cooperation over the past few days deserved a bottle. This wine is much less potent than the others and much sweeter."

He shoved a goblet in her hand and proceeded to fill it nearly to the brim. Carmen looked at it hesitantly. "I don't know about this."

Turumin scoffed. "Nonsense, don't be such a… what was it that you called Gildor? A pos-say?"

"Something like that," she said with a sigh. "Nothing to do but get drunk in this boring place, anyways," she added in a mumble.

He was taken back. "There is plenty to do around here!"

"Like what?" she asked dryly.

"You could ride horses, practice your archery or swordsmanship, read in the library-"

"So stuff I'm not good at or I have no interest in." She took a sip of her wine. It wasn't _that_ bad. She took another sip. Feeling much chattier, she added, "Becky's good at stuff. Like math and reading. But not me. I don't really have something I'm good at." She looked forlornly into her cup.

Turumin could relate, having been compared to his twin brother his whole life. But he wasn't going to tell Carmen that of all people. "I'm sure there is _something_ that you're good at."

Carmen took a deep breath and said, "If convincing everyone that you're marrying a guy who clearly isn't straight just so he can get his grandma's massive fortune and split it with you is something I'm good at, then I must be a master of it."

He furrowed his brow. "Straight?"

"He likes to have sex with men," she said bluntly.

Turumin promptly started to choke on his wine. "And you were betrothed to this man?" he said in between coughs.

"No, we were _engaged_. Did you even listen to me?"

Turumin cleared his throat and took a gulp of his wine. "That's what betrothed means."

"Oh." It was Turumin's turn to roll his eyes and Carmen huffed. "Well, like I said it was just for money. It's not like we did anything. We were going to end it when the old lady kicked the bucket in a month or two anyways."

The Elf was baffled by her words. "Marriage is something that should be shared between two people who are in love. It's eternal, not some sort frivolous promise you can throw away!"

"You obviously haven't heard of divorce." She paused to take a sip of wine. Empty already? She grabbed the bottle and poured another goblet-full, enjoying the pleasant buzz she had already. "Hey, Turumin, aren't you like a million years old? And you've never been married?"

Turumin glared at her. "I am not a million years old. I'm fairly young when it comes to Elves."

Carmen over exaggerated a headshake, swaying a bit as she did. "You didn't answer my question."

"Well, no," he mumbled.

"Exactly, so don't go off telling me what to do." She took another big gulp and said, "I bet you haven't even done 'it' yet."

"'It'? What do you mean by 'it'?"

Carmen stifled a giggle, unsure if it was from the wine or the subject matter. "You know? The nasty, the horizontal tango, doin' it, putting your spoon in her jelly jar…" Turumin was clearly dumbfounded. "Well, have you had sex before or not?" When he didn't answer she had to hold in her laughter. "You mean to say you're a virgin?" she half-shrieked and he winced at the sound.

He sheepishly turned away and downed the rest of his drink, then turned to her. Well, maybe this wine was a little stronger than he anticipated but it certainly helped his embarrassment at the moment. This subject wasn't really one talked about. Especially one with the opposite sex.

"I am but-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Turumin glared at her until she held her hand over her mouth and the laughter died. "Sorry, I swear it's the wine." He didn't believe her.

"Carmen, you have to understand that… that act is sacred to Elves," he said, choosing his words carefully. "It is reserved for consummating marriages and procreation purposes. It isn't discussed among my kind." But Turumin secretly wished it was. He'd heard shortly after marriage and children the urge in Elves died. An urge he had himself. An uncomfortable urge…

He poured himself another goblet while Carmen polished off her own wine. Her cup nudged his own and he began to fill it. He looked up at her, about to say something about her alcohol tolerance and Elvish wine, but stopped. Carmen was staring at him with a look that he didn't quite know how to describe… besides obviously tipsy. "Are you okay?"

"You know, Turumin," she said, her voice dropping a little low, "if you ever wanted to try some of those things, I would be happy to help you out." She sat up straight, folding her arms just below her girls so that she was showing a dangerous amount of cleavage to the Elf. Turumin went wide-eyed. "It's not like anyone could find out. It'd be just the two of us," she added.

Carmen mentally slapped herself. What the hell was she saying? Did she really want to get it on with an Elf of all things? Well, she had been without male or battery-operated companionship for quite some time. Not to mention Turumin wasn't that bad. Take out the bad dye job and he could seem kind of… cute? The fuzzy, tingly sensation from the wine was making him look better by the second.

Turumin audibly gulped. He mouth felt suddenly too dry and he drained the rest of his wine. It's not like he hadn't thought about this scenario a few dozen times despite her egotistical, offensive, irritating, whiny behavior. No one around here looked quite like Carmen… or pissed him off quite like she did either. She was right, for once. No one would find out because it wasn't like his presence was needed anywhere, save for that celebration later on in the week. And he was sure the Valar wouldn't disapprove of him having at least a little fun in his life, right? A woman didn't count compared to an Elf maiden, right?

"So, what do you say?" Turumin snapped himself out of his thoughts and looked at Carmen, eyeing her up and down. She deliberately bit her bottom lip and he quickly grabbed a decorative pillow to put in his lap. The wine felt like it was already making his inhibitions come out, so to speak.

He flushed. "Uh, I… um…"

"Oh, spit it out already."

Turumin's face got even redder. "I'm unsure of how to politely describe this issue…"

Carmen huffed. "Hey, if you're trying to accuse me of having some sort of disease-"

"No, it's not that!" he said frantically. He briefly wondered if he blushed anymore if he would pass out. "It's… Well, Elves and Men can still copulate and make… things."

"Like porn?"

The Elf furrowed his brow. "Although I am curious as to what that is now, that isn't quite what I had in mind." Carmen shrugged and he gave an exasperated sigh. "I meant," his voice dropped to a whisper and he avoided her eye contact, "children."

"That's the big deal?" she asked with an eye roll.

Turumin was surprised by her untroubled response. "It is a 'big deal.' Having a child is a huge-"

"Let me stop you in your tracks," she said, holding up her hand. Reaching into her purse behind her, she dug through for a little bit. "Your-reek-aye!" she finally said triumphantly, yet again butchering the English language.

Turumin looked at her hand. She had a small, pink compact with the words 'Do NOT forget!' inscribed at the top. When she opened it, he saw a strange arrangement of multi-colored tablets, nearly a third of which were gone. "What is the purpose of that?"

"This," she held it up with a cheeky grin, "prevents 'big deals.'"

He eyed it skeptically. "Are you certain it works…?"

Carmen scoffed. "If it didn't, I'd already have a few 'big deals.'" She turned back to him, that same weird look to her eyes. "So, do you want to do this?"

Turumin gulped again. A mixture of bravery (thanks to a heavy helping of alcohol), excitement, and anxiety flood him. He'd conquered wargs, orcs, demon squirrels, gigantic spiders, and a rather irritating twin brother's shadow. Now it was finally time for him to conquer the female form. He had already achieved the hero status he wanted, so what was really holding him back? Nothing, that's what!

"All right," he said with a devilish grin, "let's do this."

Carmen grinned in return and slowly leaned forward…

(End of Chapter 10)


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